| I went to a party last night |
[15 May 2004|04:06pm] |
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Elton John-Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word |
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Zaazoo (www.zaazooyoga.com) and I went to Abby's friend's(Candace) party last night.
We stayed a little while and was impressed by some kid named Joey's dancing skills. (He can salsa! I was SO shocked!)
Listened to Joey play guitar, then left.
Pumped gas, went to steak and shake and then to Walmart.
Went to Zaazoo's, burned cds, and started to write some lyrics down.
Well, while I started to write down lyrics I asked him to play something that he'd played earlier; he did. and thus, my first happy sappy song in years emerged!!!!!
I'm writing a sappy happy love song about no one in particular, (Matt told me to stop writing about what was going on, and start writing about what I wish was happening, and I guess that's what I did, although I don't know if I'm wanting to be all in love and stuff again. It doesn't seem to be my forte.)but it's not bad! It's cool. :-D We only need a bridge. It's sort of "bosa nova-esque" as I like to put it. It's so weird though, cause I haven't written a song that quickly in about a year. Actually, now that I think about it, I've only written ONE song in the last year!(and it took me 4 months to finish) AHH! Weird. And you know what else is weird??? I cut all of my hair off this time last year. It's been a year since I started to change, I guess you could say. Hmmm. Weird.
It's funny meeting people at this point in my life though, I think, cause I'm so different than I was 7 months ago, 5 months ago, heck, I've changed a whole lot in the past two months! And I don't mean, little unnoticeable things, I mean things that make some of the people I know go "whoa". The way I think and the way that I carry myself have changed. I mean, this might not be a big deal, but I've even been going bra-less alot lately.(I might as well take advantage of having small boobs, right? LOL) I'm not as self concious as I used to be. The funny thing is, I didn't really MEAN TO change. Ya know? It's just that alot of things have happened in the last few months. I've gotten really jaded to some things. Certain friendships, romantic relationships, life in general. I was talking to someone a couple of days ago about some of this stuff and I looked at them and said, "Dude, I'm a fucked up girl. I'm so fucked up." Because that's the only way to put it. Plain and simple. Ya know? and they looked at me and said "It's ok to be a little crazy, it just proves that you have a soul." Which made me feel okay about being a little jaded and having changed so much. There is nothing wrong with change and I like to think that I've changed for the better. I'm more realistic when it comes to everything now, which can be good or bad depending on how you choose to see it. I'm definately still a dreamer though. I refuse to give up my dreams again for anyone.
I was talking to Ken a couple of days ago and he asked me why we didn't start a band after we met and I started remembering everything that was happening at the time. I wanted to start a band with those guys so bad, but I didn't because Stephen told me not to. He said that I shouldn't be playing with a bunch of men and that music wasn't what I should do with my life. He said that I wouldn't be a good christian if I tried to do that, so I didn't start a band. Because of him. Because I wanted him to be happy with me. I remember him getting angry at me when I told him I was seriously considering it. AGH! I was such a stupid girl. I shouldn't have to give up my dreams for anyone! Well, now I know this. And I won't. :)
We're setting up recording times this wednesday. :-D
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| My posts are far and few between...This could be a long one. |
[14 May 2004|04:13am] |
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Matt Panera and Tony Lindsay-Yet to be titled |
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So I got drunk for the first time ever on Tuesday night. Yeah. It was definetly an interesting feeling. LOL I called Steve and Levi and they came over for like a second. Randy came over too and played with my hair almost the whole entire night and when he wasn't, Marshall was. At one point I look over at them and say "Hey! I'm being taken care of/entertained by hott boys! How lucky am I?" But Alex was there at that point too, so, yeah. I was told that I was not "drunk", but that I was "shit faced" which made me giggle. Randy thought I was super amusing though cause he was stoned the whole time he was over. The funny thing is that I can never tell the difference between him when he's normal and when he's stoned...so yeah. I cursed alot too. Everyone keeps reminding me that I said the "F-word" about 10 times per sentence. I told Sequoia this and she swore that she would've paid money to see it. I told her that she'd have to come visit me and that we'd then get drunk so she could experience it herself. LOL yeah. Guy made fun of me for me thinking that I wasn't intoxicated. He keeps quoting me , "Yeah, I'm not drunk yet...I get kinda dizzy when I stand up, but when I sit down I'm fiiiiiiiiiine!" Yeah, definetly an interesting night.
I talked to my grandma today (well, seeing as how it's 5 am right now, I guess it would be yesterday.) and she said she'd send me the money to record. I found a couple of producers already, but I think I've made up my mind on who to record with...if he's ever got the time. I heard his stuff, and it's pretty good AND he charges a reasonable price, which is cool too. So hopefully I'll have a demo soon and I can start feeling like I'm actually doing something music-wise. I want to feel like I'm not being lazy.
I talked to a couple of the guys from Kate O' Brian's the other night and they told me that they are booking people right now for summertime, so I might get Miguel or someone else that plays a mean guitar and a drummer that will beat a djembe for an acoustic show and start practicing. I think I'll call John about trying to get booked tomorow during the day(or today, seeing as how it's 5 am. LOL). That should be cool. Maybe. :-D
I saw the pictures that Rachel took for Morgan(I think that's the girl's name...) and they came out fabulous. I swear, between Rachel, Lee and my buddy Tony(who's computer I'm on right now--Thanks Tunes!) I feel so untalented. LoL I just told Tony that if he wrote a song for me, I'd sing it on my demo. I loooove the way he writes. He honestly writes the way that I wish I did. It's awesome. He promised he'd paint me too. I'm very excited about it. Anyway, Greg was in some of the pics and he looked really cute, which ofcourse made me re-discover the crush I had on him. I'm such a teenie. *giggle* oh well. I don't really talk to him that much which to be honest, sort of makes me sad. But that's life, I guess.
Tony and Matt are writing a song right now as I type. God, I love music. I love both their music too. It's so different. Matt reminds me of a goofy Jason Mraz sometimes cause his songs are so happy, while Tony is just Elliott Smith meets the Cure. Fabulous!
I think I'm going to the beach on Saturday with some people. Yay! I went to the beach on Tuesday during the day. I have an extremely unhealthy obsession with the ocean but it's ok. :)
Anyway, if you want to get a hold of me you know the deal. Call the cell or the hizzle. I'm always up for "chillin'", as they say. :) Goodnight
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| Poem for BobE |
[15 Mar 2004|08:59pm] |
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In Love, On Sadness-Jason Mraz |
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Forest Green
Forest eyes with braids of amber through green leaves
look back at me with the depth of a thousand seas.
What do you hide behind the yellows and the browns?
With your smile so sincere, but yet still so worn down?
Remind me.
(I know it’s acceptable to be alright)
Refresh my thoughts.
(My mindset)
So I can see that it is okay to feel inadequate
and that it is adequate to feel okay.
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| First update in FUHEVAH. |
[01 Mar 2004|06:28pm] |
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song I'm writing. |
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Well, I love Kelli and she rawks my flip flops, socks and my chuck taylors too. I'm writing a song right now, and it's a happier one, so that should be cool. I'm singing it at church on March 17 and that should be cool too. :-D I'm considering moving to Virginia with Sequoia. Yep, just dropping out of school and going. LOL not like I have that many classes anyway. I've got TWO! That's it. LOL I need to save up for school next year, anyway. So manybe that would give me time to work full time and stuff. I dunno. I'll post the song later. and like I said, I love Kelli. :)
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[01 Mar 2004|05:55pm] |
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I LOVE KELLI!!!!!
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| Why did I have to fall in love? |
[11 Jan 2004|05:06am] |
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Josh Kelley-"Amazing" |
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It sad that even after all of the stuff he said to me and all of the things that have happened, I would still take him back. He used me and then left me for someone else. He's hurt me so badly, but yet I still want him, I still miss him and I still love him.
Why do I have to love him?
Why do I have to miss him so much that it hurts me physically?
Why did I have to fall in love???
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| Epiphany! |
[03 Jan 2004|06:16am] |
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Delirious?-"Obsession" |
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Ryan North is a complete and utter genious. You rock my world, dude. For real. :)
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[03 Jan 2004|05:46am] |
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Delirious?-"Obsession" |
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I hate the fact that he speaks to me out of hypocricy. How do I know his apologies are all lies? He's found someone else. TWO someones, in fact. Screw love, it's all fake anyway.
Taken
I have no hope left.
You are so near,
but yet so far away.
You walked,
then ran
but now you try to come back
out of regret and guilt.
(You say you want my friendship,
but your actions state differently)
Don't toy with me.
Leave me be.
I only wish to know what they have,
that I do not...
oh yes,
I'd forgotten;
You took it.
Used
I should've never given you all that I did.
You experienced all of me.
My mind, heart, body and soul.
You've had me,
there's nothing to bring you back.
You now search for fresher pastures,
and I am used.
Cuts
Cut me open,
cut me in two.
Because I feel as if I'm nothing
without you.
Before You
You run through my veins;
my heart burns for you.
My lips yearn for your kisses
and my skin longs for your touch.
I am not the same woman that I was before we met.
You've changed me,
although I wish you hadn't.
I wish to be the person I once was,
before you.
Hellish Glances
My dignity was eraced with my actions.
My pride has evaporated with your words.
Before,
I thought your looks were heavenly.
But now they are hellish and torment me even more.
I made a mockery of my name when I laid eyes on you.
I became stupid and untrue.
I was forwarned but I didn't listen;
And though I wish I had,
I wish even harder that I'd never met you.
Tired Memories
I feel cheap and useless.
I'm tired of being a memory.
Why have you chosen to forget me?
I beg of you,
please choose to remember me again.
I ask of you...
remember me once more,
because one day the memory might be you.
Never
Again, we've spoken.
Your truths are tainted and your apologies still jaded.
How many times must you hurt me
before you realize what you've done?
When will you truthfully return
without your lies or malicious afterthoughts?
When will you come back to me without detrimental words that might be even more abrasive to my being?
Never,
because you have no heart at all.
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| Hurray it's 2004! |
[02 Jan 2004|04:59am] |
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Mercy Me-Word of God Speak |
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I went out with my church youth group for NYE. I know, it sounds funny, but I actually had a little fun. We had a praise service, had games(rock climbing and stuff), went to see Peter Pan, and then went to a place that had go-karts and rides. It was pretty cool. I think that I probably would've enjoyed it more if a certain person hadn't been there, though. It really hurts to see him everywhere that I go and to see him with everyone but me. It's like I've been extricated from his life for doing nothing wrong. I talked to Luis and Chucky yesterday. Towards the end of the night when we were at Fun Factory(or whatever the place was called) I kept seeing him everywhere and I couldn't stand it anymore. Chuck was like "so what's been going on in your life?" and we started talking and I spoke about what happened. He was in shock. He was actually sympathetic with me, which is sorta rare with Chucky. (He's not mean, he's just real.) But then towards the end of the conversation I just really broke down. I couldn't take it anymore. I kept trying to fight back the tears but they came and then it was like a fosset. I couln't stop crying. What made me break though was the realization that I'm in love with this man, but he just used me and walked away. He's my world and has been for a little while now, but I mean absolutely nothing to him.
It hurts that he's wanted someone else the whole time we had what we had. Jeez. I feel sick just thinking about it. Was he thinking about her when we kissed? Or when we were intimate?
I talked to Luis when we got in the van to go home. I'd just finished talking to Chucky and I couldn't stop crying.
I'm so tired of crying.
Luis keeps telling me that he's going to realize what he's missing, but that it's going to be too late. All I could say to him was that I wish he'd realize what he's doing NOW, and not have any regrets later on. I wish he'd just come back and apologize for all of the hurtful things that he said to me, because I know that I would forgive him and take him back. Why? Because I'm a stupid girl who's in love. Because I miss his kisses and his smile. I miss his eyes and his touch. And every day that passes in which I am not with him, I don't feel complete. I just feel as if my light is burning out and it scares me.
Luis even told me that Steve's dad thought we would be good together. "He said he saw something different in you than all of the other girlfriends he's had." I was like "Yeah, the bright red highlight in my hair." he laughed. Luis thinks that he might be starting to realize what he's given up...I just hope he's right. I have hope, although it goes out a bit more with every moment that passes. I just don't know how many more nights I can cry myself to sleep. I'm not strong, though I've pretended to be for everyone else's sake. I'm not happy, though I put on a mask every day so no one can know.
I wrote a few poems during the all nighter that we pulled. Here they are.
Influences
I'm influenced by everything around me,
although I don't wish to be.
I only want to be myself.
Obvious
You said you wanted me gone
but now you complain because I walk away.
You do not want the obvious to be known;
I am anything but oblivious.
And being obvious is what I do best.
Everything
I wish to run far away,
but I am tired of running.
Just like I am tired of everything else.
Accidentally
I avoid seeing you and speaking to you,
but I can't avoid the accidental glances
which are the ones that hurt the most.
I avoid saying your name and remembering all of the situations that you and I went through,
but then a word or the flash of a color past my eyes;
the taste of a flavor on my tongue
and along come back the forgotten memories from the past.
I retroceed to a place where I do not want to be
and I can't escape.
Goodbye
Leave me be.
I only want to cry.
I only wish to die.
Let me divulge in my tears
and pretend that the years haven't flown by.
Remember me,
but don't regret.
Goodbye.
Uncertainties
Everybody knows.
I can't hide anymore.
The past has caught up with me,
and try as I might
I can't walk away.
Everything is different.
Things are unavoidable.
My future is uncertain.
Ruined
I am ill.
I wish to be in my bed
warm.
I want my life back,
but I can't have it.
You've ruined me.
I want to vomit.
Your hypocricy is unreal.
Why can't I seem to run away?
I don't want to get down from the clouds
although I am frightened.
I am terrified of what could come.
Of the possibilities.
Or the "What if's"
I wonder what would happen if I didn't love you...
A Boy With Dreams
I fell in love with what you could be.
(Your potential)
Of how far you talents could go.
Of the man that I thought you were.
But the truth is that you are only a boy,
(a boy with dreams)
and I saw myself in you.
We are both alone,
please keep me company.
Please come back to me.
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[31 Dec 2003|07:21am] |
Unavailable Verbal Caress
My pain won't be soothed.
There is no verbal caress available for all I've gone through.
Only God can help me now.
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| I'm lost and broken. |
[31 Dec 2003|05:20am] |
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song I'm writing. |
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I guess I'm going to start posting all of my depressing poetry again. I've written alot since the shakedown, so if you don't want to hear it DON'T LOOK. This is myyyyyyyy journal. Thanks. :)
Sounds
I've fallen in love with a man who can't seem to love me
though he's changed my inhibitions,
my mindset and my reality.
It hurts to know that a meere whisper can turn my world upside down, but even my screams to him make no sound.
His past haunts me, making my future uncertain;
while the present pains me,
making our past together unbearably imperfect.
Maybe I should extricate myself from his presense,
or run far away as to forget him.
The imposibilities are great, so I cry...
because I want no one else.
Darling,
I only want you.
Tears
I cry into my pillow all of the tears that I don't have the luxury of shedding out in the open.
For the fear of the world finding out my shame and my love is far too great and I am far too weak to go on.
I cry bitterly until I can cry no more.
I die just a little bit when I see what's in store.
I see with each tear shed that I'll never be good enough for your outrageous requests and your malicious obsessions.
I'm exhausted from weeping until dawn for a man who won't love me though he swore he could and did.
You've run away and now my heart has been shattered for the thousandth time, though this time I know I cannot pick up the pieces because what you've taken from me was far too precious to resist.
Which is why you couldn't decist.
(you couldn't help yourself)
What could be wrong with the woman that is who I am?
Why must you leave me when I'd rather you stay?
Why have you used me and now chosen to throw me away?
I have only been a fling;
an object to you.
Though you still mean everything in the world to me.
I am too tired to scream and proclaim my love for you,
though it's solid and unrealistic,
but true.
Hell
I thought you were leading me to heaven by the hand,
though in reality every kiss was another step taken to a path that I had forsaken.
Every caress was another stride,
and every glance you gave kept me by your side.
I never wanted a prince charming,
I only wanted an ordinary man who could love me for who I am.
I thought I'd found that in you,
when in actuality you were death;
the Grim Reaper.
And instead of showing me to heaven,
you walked me straight into hell.
Actually
What I saw in you was a facade.
It all seemed so perfect.
(How could I've been so wrong?)
But then reality was rushed and I became heartbroken.
Your every word had been a lie.
You walked backwards into old ties.
You took my heart and ran, while all I could do was watch.
I didn't take a stand.
Now all I can do is try to go on,
because my soul is at a place where I can't run to.
My heart is somewhere that I can't be
and that is my actuality.
Forgotten Scars
Fix me,
I'm broken.
Mend my open wounds and make me forget I have scars.
Love me and nurture me,
because I can't do this
alone.
Shell of a Man
My reality has changed,
I'm no longer whom I once was.
My actuality's now re-arranged,
your lies can only work once.
You may keep telling yourself fabricated truths,
(Sure, you're allowed)
But they'll only lead to damnation.
Your fibs are just a part of the ratio
that is becoming your life.
I only tell you not to look back at me when you're lonely.
And though I know you will,
I won't be here to have my heart killed.
I'm only stupid enough to let that happen once.
Though I regret it,
I do admit I was a dunce.
So run away,
yes you may.
I give you permission,
you don't have to stay.
Just don't run back to me when you have no one else.
Because I want a man
not a boy or a shell
of anything that could be you.
The Pretender
So maybe everything was my fault and I gave my heart and soul too easily.
But your actions and your words now haunt and hurt me more than I could've ever thought possible.
You don't have to care,
though I still love you.
I only know that the reasons that you hate and abhore me are senseless and ridiculous.
I only spoke because I was ashamed.
But the problem now is that you can no longer pretend.
You can no longer seem, to all who know you, to be the saint that you were and that pains your ego.
We've both made a massive mistake,
so please don't act as if it were nothing.
Please don't pretend that it wasn't true,
because that alone is what breaks my heart.
To An Insecure Boy
Go, be with someone else.
You've already taken my sense of self.
I should've been wiser,
but instead I chose you.
And now I'm stranded where I don't long to be
without knowing what to do.
I abhore myself just like you abhore me.
The difference is that I can't run away like you can.
I must stay here and die with who I am.
Sickening Sleep
The emotional pain is so great that I am physically ill.
I vomit away every word that you've spoken to me,
not because I choose to,
but because I no longer have control.
My heart aches, literally.
And I only wish to sleep,
just to get away from my God forsaken world.
I only wish to sleep
forever.
Lies
Can't you see the walls you've built and the ones you've torn down with all of your lies?
Broken ties along with broken minds and bodies.
Stop decieving everyone around you.
Stop being the liar that you've become,
and start being the man you're meant to be.
I regret speaking to you,
though sickenly enough
I look forward to seeing you
again.
Wordless
You turn me away now, and it hurts.
But I can only hope that no one will treat you the way that you've treated me.
I can only hope that you won't be hurt the way that I've been hurt,
because the pain that I'm feeling is inexplicable.
I'm at a loss for words for the first time ever
and I don't like it.
Back to Me
You've emptied me.
Bit by bit,
little by little,
until there was no more of me.
Please give me back what you've taken.
(I demand it!)
Give me back my mind and my soul.
I no longer want my thoughts to be about you.
I only wish to be myself again.
Run
Run away from me,
please.
I'm tired of thinking about you
and of feeling shameful because of you.
You only hate me because you don't want to hate yourself,
although you already do.
I'm tired of walking away from something you want to erase
but that I know happened.
I'm tired of being alone
when you should be here also.
I'm tired of seeming unfaithful
when you were there too.
Black and White
I always wanted to be in love on Christmas,
but never like this.
I wanted to be loved and cared for,
not used and then rejected.
I wanted affection not deception.
I wanted to be romanced and to dance in the moonlight.
(Under the stars)
But all that I got were angry remarks shouted at me
and tears rolling down my cheeks endlessly.
I wish to get away from your words,
but they are played over and over before my eyes like an oldies movie in black and white.
I wish for the film to be broken.
Director's Cut
Can you cut the film to the movie that is my life?
Can you tape it back together without these tearful scenes that have fallen before me?
Please make me forget,
because as much as I try I can't seem to be able to do it
myself.
Also
You speak angry words so you can forget for a single second that you have faults also.
You raise your voice to seem strong
though it just makes you look as weak as you truly are.
Lovely
I miss your desperate kisses and your caresses.
Although I know I shouldn't
and I'm not sure why.
Tainted Love
Tainted apologies from a blackening heart
bring back more pain than originally thought possible.
Why must you come to me with jaded truths and even more unspoken lies?
Can't you see that you've harmed me enough?
You expect me to run and hide just because you are around?
Well, I refuse to.
I am no longer your fool.
Undiplomatic
I sit where I stood
not long ago
pondering how things went from bad to worse.
You left hurriedly
with no true reason behind your actions.
Who do you think you are?
You are no king nor are you a president.
You have no right to treat me the way that you have.
So go back to the cave that you crawled out of on the unholy yet fate filled day
and give me back my reasons to
live the simple life that I lived
before I met you.
Too Low
Why won't my tears subside?
Why won't my fears seem to hide?
I only wish to be numb to all of the pain that surrounds my soul.
I'm sick and alone.
I'm tired of being absorbed into the many situations
that I'm not able to get myself out of.
I'm tired of feeling as if I'm too low to deserve anything
because I'm not.
Realization
The more time elapses
the more I think of the begining and wonder what went wrong.
Everything seemed so flawless;
the conversations so deep.
How did you turn out to be who you are?
I thought you were different,
but then the realization hit me;
you're not.
Ordinary Love
I'm no queen, nor a pauper.
I'm just an ordinary girl who was in search of an ordinary boy.
My heart has been broken, just like everyone else's,
but the pain is extraordinary.
Just like I thought love was.
Mr. Stopsign
You were the stopsign before the crash,
alarming but useless.
Though you tried to prevent what was to come,
you were ignored and disaster struck.
How many times must you repeat yourself before I listen?
How many times must you tell me before I care?
You scream "Yield!"
although now it's too late.
Tick-Tock
The clock ticks away my heartbeats and breaths.
Although now I can do nothing but wait and try not to care.
Temptation
With your ruby red seduction and your vampire red touch
you decided that I was a temptress.
Though you always had me with your cherry kisses
and your russet moon caress.
Thorns
You've got me
and now I can't get away.
I hang from every word you say.
I see you adn run,
because I can't stand the rejection.
I can't stand the pain of seeing you over and over again.
Why can't you love me when I can't help but love you?
Why did you pretend to care and then spit out lies
instead of truths?
Your actions have changed my life;
but my deeds have only been a dent,
a thorn in the foot of yours.
Sincere Apologies
I think,
then I cry
because I'm tired of crying.
Every sob that overtakes my body just reminds me a little more
of how things used to be
and how I can't get them back.
Why won't you care
sincerely?
Apologize;
everything will be forgotten.
But only because I love you.
Pneumonia
Like rain
you stormed into my life.
Poured into me
and now I'm soaked in the cold.
My heart has caught pneumonia.
Black Skies
The moon was black tonight;
not a single star in sight.
Yet I can't help but think that it was agreeing with me
because my soul has gone into hiding
and my mind as become darkened with too many worries and pain.
The last flicker of hope within me
has been blown out.
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| I haven't updated in forever. |
[31 Dec 2003|04:27am] |
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 stressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Hurricane"-Something Corporate |
] |
Christmas was ok, hopefully new years will be better. I finally fell in love. For real. Not some stupid crush...and now my heart is broken. Why? Because I have absolutely no judgement in character. I always do go for jerks, I just never thought I'd fall in love with one this horrible and that has treated me this bad. Sad thing is, I can't go back to before. What's done is done and now all I can do is try to move on though I'm not the same person I was. I'm bitter. Screw men. They are all dogs. I love you Stephen. :(
"You don't do it on purpose, but you make me shake
now I count the hours til you wake
with your baby's breath breathe symphonies
come on sweet catastrophe"
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| Goals In Life |
[14 Oct 2003|02:19am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Annoyed but eerily motivated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Sleep All Day"-Jason Mraz |
] |
-I want to buy a keyboard and take lessons, but not just take lessons...I want to be good, goshdarnit.
-I want to do a duet with Jason Mraz.
-I want to be a respected 'musician'.
-I want to go to college.
And whoever doesn't believe I can do these things, can go to hades. :)
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|
[14 Oct 2003|01:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
irate |
] |
Some people shouldn't be allowed to have kids.
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| I thought this was just weird. |
[13 Oct 2003|09:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
geeky |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"Tonight Not Again"-Jason Mraz |
] |
! You are Most Like A Ruby !
Passionate, in control - and very sexy. You tend to
be more dominant, and people long to possess your
wild nature. People find you fun, and a real live
wire.
You're most like a Ruby because people simply can't
take their eyes away from you - your bright
captivating
nature draws people to you.
Congratulations ... You're the sparkly fun gem
everybody craves.
?? Which Precious Gem Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
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| I can never sleep |
[13 Oct 2003|05:32am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"You and I Both"-Jason Mraz |
] |
I just wrote the first poem I've written in about three months. I'm having one of those "I think I'm lonely" moments, although I'm not sure. Hmm. Oh well.
I haven't been feeling like myself lately.
Rachel pointed out that I complain alot, but I just like to think that she always catches me on my bad days. ;)
I do feel as though I need to get rid of alot of negativity in my life at the moment, I just need to figure out how to go about doing it. I can't cut off any more hair, if I did I'd be bald! I know I'm going back to Orlando, though. Things are much simpler that way. I just hope that the demons that are haunting me don't follow me there.
I finished my share of the magazine last night, but I don't know if it'll be up today or not. Sequoia has mid-terms and those are always lovely. :-/ I hope we can get it up though, cause I need to email a couple of people back about it and it would help. LOL
My family wants to go to Virginia for Thanksgiving...I really want to go, but last time I was in a car for a long period of time with my dad he made me cry, so I'm a bit reluctant. Also, there is a Jason Mraz show in Orlando on November 29, so I might have to miss it...and I think I'd prefer enjoying a concert rather than get yelled at for a whole 12 hours there and 12 back. Yes, I would. The only thing is, I'd spend Thanksgiving alone. But I guess it wouldn't be that bad. I mean, holidays are always insane in my family. Something always gets ruined, so I guess I would just have peace, which is always fabulous! :)
I have an apointment on tuesday at 2pm with the American Intercontinental University people. I hope I get accepted! I think it would be cool cause I could get my asociate of arts degree online and then go on to UCF of whatever college I wanted!
I said the 'F- word' the other day to describe something and Rachel almost died. It was funny, I guess, except for I was kinda upset at the time. *shrugs* I'm sure Lee laughed when he got the message that we left. LOL "Hey Lee. This is Aily and I just said the 'F-Word'" Meanwhile Rachel can't stop laughing in the backround. We have issues, definetly.
**WARNING. Rant coming up. If you don't want to hear it, don't read it**
I don't think the band is ready to record on Saturday, but I guess it doesn't matter cause I won't be able to be here anyway. Ryan is now doing vocals for the band/cd? Whatever. I love Ryan. The only thing that annoys me is that they are going to go off and record this song that I worked so hard on, to do what? I mean, yeah, Ryan has an awesome voice, but I think some of it might be out of his range...unless he did it an octave lower and then it would still sound funny. I dunno. I think that Eric was planning on doing that from the begining, which would explain the fact that he booked the studio time so late, even though I told him I was leaving on the 17th. and it just pisses me off cause I feel lead on anyway...I just think that if he wanted Ryan to sing vocals, he shouldn't have let me put so much work into the song lyrically and vocally. He should've let Ryan do it. I mean, jeez, Ryan is really talented. He could've done it and I wouldn't have had to waste my time. Whatever. Not my problem anymore. I wish them the best and I hope the song is fantastic.
*END OF RANT*
*sigh* I'm so friggin' emo. Right Kelli? *shakes head* We seriously need to sit down and be emo together so we can get it off our chests and then be all happy-perky-lively again. What do you think?? OH!!! And we can wear cords together! I have like 3 pairs. LOL DUDE, we should get a place together once you graduate. Wanna move someplace big? San Diego? LA? New York? We can do it! and we can go to the same church and everything! ohhhhhhhhhhh and wear low top converses together...I want mine to be red though. ;)
Oh, by the way, Here's my poem.
Reassurance
What could you be doing so far away?
(Or are you closer than you’ve led me to believe?)
I’d just like a peek.
(May I?)
Just a preview.
(Could I please?)
It could be a cliff-hanger,
I don’t mind.
I just need the reassurance that you’ll come one day.
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| I need to get away |
[08 Oct 2003|12:29am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
rejected |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Marc Broussard-"When I'm Gone" |
] |
I really don't like my mom. All she ever does is tell me that I'm ugly. And it's not like I've ever said anything to her about her looks or anything. You know? If anything I tell her that she's beautiful! It really upsets me when she treats me this way. I think I have more than I can take with my dad as it is. I wish my grandparents were here already so they could get me a car and I could leave and never come back. I hate this. This is the reason I can't live with them. I hate living here. I need to go back to Orlando as soon as I can. Maybe that way I'll feel better about everything in my life. All they ever do is bring me down anyway. I don't want to be brought down further than I am...Althought there's not much room left to fall.
|
|
| I love Tony Lucca |
[29 Sep 2003|12:10am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Goo Goo Dolls-"Just Another Reason" |
] |
I love Tony Lucca and I can't wait til his new cd comes out this October. For all of you that don't know who the man is, go to www.tonylucca.com and find out! He's FABULOUS! Definetly my favorite.
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| Life is weird as crap. |
[28 Sep 2003|02:38am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
nostalgic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nothing, but I really with I had some hard rock to listen to |
] |
I went to homecoming with Miritza tonight and I ran into alot of old friends that I didn't even know that I missed, but I guess I did.
Him: "This is where I kiss you."
Me: "What? no. You're crazy!"
Him: *smiles* "You know I don't have herpes."
Me: *shakes head* "You are nuts."
Him: "Come on...Please?"
Me: "Ok, but JUST a peck."
Him: "Ok." *SMOOCH*
I think it's weird, how odd life can be and how you can manage to do single-handedly what you thought you wouldn't do. And even though it really was nothing, it confuses you none the less.
I miss hanging out with Eric and my boys.
I miss just jamming out and having fun.
I miss seeing all of these people that I truly love.
I wish I could have it all, although I can't and I know it.
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